Aug 30 2005
Cleaning Out The Cobwebs
I’ve began to write this post this morning at least 12 times. I started, then backspaced all the way through, just to start again. And, repeat.
Thank God for the backspace button. My new mission is to figure out how to backspace through a good chunk of this past year, or further, then copy, cut, and paste bits and pieces back together in order to get back to the place that I was before.
Yea, I know. It won’t ever happen, but it’s nice to think about some times.
I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking over the past few days. I realized not just one, but more than one person around me is enveloped in a bed of lies aimed at me, and each time the lies are revealed, I feel as though someone has just punched me in the gut, knocking the wind out of me.
The positive side to it is, that with each blow, I gain an odd strength that is rising up from somewhere deep inside. A strength that says that I am “Sick and Tired”. That is pretty much how I feel. And I am finished, with it all.
I woke up this morning from a very clear and precise dream that basically empowered me with a sense of renewal and conviction that hasn’t been around in quite some time. It very forcefully pushed me in the direction I’ve needed to be heading in for a long while. It was a breath of fresh air. The only way I could possibly describe it is like being covered with a thick layer of mud that is clogging your pours, depriving your body of oxygen, and causing blindness. As it dried it became even more impeding, taking away more life giving functions. Then, suddenly, the heavens open up and the rains come down, washing away all of that mud. You can finally breathe again. You can see clearly what lies before you. You are refreshed, reborn, and alive – constraint free.
While I’m not of the frame of mind to start cutting certain people out of my life completely, I am definitely going to begin moving some out of my inner circle and hold them at an arms length, simply as a self preservation mechanism. Is that selfish? Probably. Sometimes being selfish is necessary in order to survive in life.
I am excited about this new feeling deep inside of me. I am excited to look forward now. I still don’t have any clue what is going to happen even as far as tomorrow, but I do know no matter what, it is going to be far better than any yesterday’s that have gone by in the past 9 months.
I guess having to face the true colors of several people around me has forced me to remember one of my very important rules for life. There is only one person on whom I can truly depend. If I let myself down, then there is only myself to blame. At least that way, I don’t have to beat myself up over someone else’s behavior. I can beat myself up about my own behavior and know that I really and truly did do something to screw things up.
I can no longer accept the blame for anyone else’s actions.
I find being a Gemini really comes in handy in times such as these. The walls can go up easily, the emotions can become indifferent with the precise aim of an expert marksman. I can separate myself internally from the painful people with ease. Once I clear out the cobwebs I’ve allowed them to weave and the light shines through once more.
This person, this weak and diffident person I’ve been, is not me.
I’d like y’all to meet Melia. She’s finally home.
*Updated Radio Blog (over yonder in the left column, or right depending on the skin you’re viewing…) reflects my new attitude.* :wink1_tb:
