I just found out today, that my very Beautiful Teenage Princess is coming to Illinois to spend Christmas with us! As soon as she gave me the news, I immediately began crying. My heart just about burst inside of my chest into a million little pieces out of the sheer joy I was feeling!
My arms ache to feel her safely tucked within.
My bosom yearns to feel her weight as I hold her close to me.
I long to smell her hair.
I recall the feeling I had when I was forced to leave her behind in the hospital after she was born. The ache that I felt every single day, every single moment, that I was not with my baby. That is what I have carried around with me for over a year now.
Hearing the news of her coming was like hearing the news that she could finally come home with me, that she was going to finally be released from the hospital. The gamut of emotions that ran through my body both then and now, are tremendous and overwhelming; and the exact same.
I simply don’t even know what to do with myself.
I might sit here and cry for a spell longer, please excuse the tear puddles all over the place.
Just slip past and ignore the crazy woman babbling like a baby……
I began this blog post by clicking on over to TenseTeacher’s place to steal borrow her Halloween Meme in order to, in all honesty, have something to lazily place on my blog for today. Since, I am just sorta meh and all.
I went. I saw. And, while I think it’s a cute meme and I adore Tense in all ways, that particular meme is just too much work for me. It did, however, inspire me in another way as it brought to mind my favorite spookiness of all time, Michael Jackson’s Thriller Movie/Video.
I recall when this first hit the airwaves. I had the album already and loved the song. Yes, kiddies, the actual vinyl album.
I know some of you out there know exactly what I am talking about. To my children, vinyl was only for sliding across my carpets on like a surf board. Oh yea, you betcha mom about blew a gasket when I saw that shit going on! Uh-hu. Anyhow, when this movie/video hit MTV (back when MTV actually played music videos, remember that?) I was in awe. Total and utter awe. I recall my girlfriends and I playing the video over and over and over and memorizing every move to the zombie dance so that we could do it move for move.
I know that I am going to regret even admitting this, but back then, in the days that Michael Jackson portrayed a semblance of normalcy, I even thought he was cute. Shaddup. I wanted to dance like Michael Jackson. I watched every video and I repeated every single dance move. The moonwalk became one of my signature moves on my own. I got really good at it. My children used to ask me to do it all of the time when we would dance around the house while I was cleaning and listening to my music. They appreciate Michael Jackson’s talent as a musician too, I am glad to say. I am not speaking of his personal life, or the caricature of himself that he became as time went on. I am speaking of him in his heyday, I am speaking of his musical genius and the way he moved. He was spell binding to watch, still is, and always will be. Seriously, I always enjoyed Captain EO at Disneyland every time we went. Yeah, ok, call me a nerd. Just keep in mind that I got my official nerd card revoked a couple of years ago so apparently my nerd status isn’t as high as you would think.
So, in honor of All Hallows Eve, aka Halloween, please enjoy Michael Jackson’s Thriller. Have a safe and happy holiday all.
p.s.
The “hide & seek” part came in bcuz this damned video was so freakin’ hard to find! Omg. Srsly. Why not just let the people enjoy things?! Why must EVERYTHING come down to bullshit. Whatev. Discussions for another day.
I feel that way about all sorts of things lately. Meh. I talked to the dr. about it today while I was there, and I go see my counselor on Monday. I think it’s just a compilation of things that are getting to me. I just can’t seem to get into the spirit of things.
Usually, I decorate my house for Halloween. It’s one of my favorite holidays to decorate for just because you can do so much and there are so many cool Halloween decorations out there. I love the “spooky” and usually really go all out.
Not this year.
I didn’t even dust off the poor skeletons. They are lying, ignored, in the bottom of my closet.
Usually, I find dressing up in Halloween costumes for work kind of fun. A chance to be a bit wacky, out of the norm, and run with it.
Not this year.
I moaned and groaned (and I wasn’t the only one either) until they said we don’t have to dress up, we could wear black or orange shirts and jeans. That was the highlight of my week.
And, just for the record?
I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas this year either. I see more of the same and quite frankly, I would be much happier if we could just glaze right over the both of them and make them not happen at all.
I *have* to do things for the kids sakes, even if my heart just isn’t in it.
I am nauseous, tired, and really just downright sick of life right now.
Talk to me tomorrow. Maybe things will look different.
Swimming out of depression, with the PTSD constantly knocking at my door, is the hardest thing I have ever done. Some days, I just don’t have it in me. Some days I do. This week, hasn’t been the days that I do.
That’s probably a good thing to do when you are work.
Pull your head out of your ass. I, however, seemed to have forgotten to do so when I forgot to take my medicine this morning and walk by putting one foot in front of the other. But, that’s another story for another day.
Today, I was a rock star of ass-headish-ness. Oh yea. There are witnesses who can vouch for it too. Unfortunately.
I don’t watch enough CSI to know how to properly dispose of said witnesses, not that I’d really want to cuz she’s super cool. But this stunt is something that I will probably never live down in my entire history at my place of employment. You know, come to think of it, it will probably follow me throughout the rest of time.
The day was pretty shitty as a whole. I can’t say that any part of it was actually good, from the moment the alarm clock went off until the moment I put on my cozy sweatshirt and sweat pants. It went something like this = Bad-Suck-Worse-OMGBURYMEINAHOLERIGHTNOWANDLEAVEMEFORDEADKTHXBAI.
However, I cannot say that I don’t make life interesting for those around me on occasion. Ok, maybe on more than an occasion but hey, we all have our talents don’t we? Yeah, so, anyhow. I was stranded at work for an extra hour due to my airheaded-head-up-my-ass maneuver. It was a first, for me, for my boss and probably in the history of my workplace.
No, I am not going to tell you what exactly it was that I did. Let’s just say, it left the tops of both of my hands bruised, my knee hurts, my back is sore and I owe my boss more than a couple of Mocha BK Joe’s. I’m just sayin’.
