Jan 30 2010
Dusting Off….
Where was I? Oh. Yeah. You probably don’t know either. How could you, if I don’t even know, right? Right.
On with the dusting. You know, the dusting off of such things that have been rarely used in the past year.
Like, my self confidence. Whaddyaknow. There is some there and it’s amazing what you’ll find when you quit listening to the world, and listen to your own heart.
Too many times in my life I have listened to what others say, what they think, and I adopt their view of me as my own. What the hell. I find that this happens to occur when I have a great amount of respect for the person(s) with whom I am interacting. All sorts of people could fall into this category, yet it’s a fairly small group with me as I don’t have a whole lot of respect for very many people. Enter the self defamation.
I noticed that I will not only take on the other person’s view of me as my own, but I will fully encompass it. Harming myself in almost irreparable ways and giving them more power than they deserve. Really. Who on this planet actually deserves to hold the power to destroy another human being in any fashion? I know of no human worthy of such greatness. However, for some stupid reason, I seem to drop it in their laps. Seriously?
Take it apart. Peel it like an onion, dust off the mess and start again. That’s what I am facing within myself, deep inside of my soul. Coming to the surface is a fresh look. Like a clean window to look through. I am not as bad as those try to make me out to me. Delusional? I suppose some could say, however, my therapist doesn’t agree. Yes, I said therapist. Get over it.
I am traveling a road I know so well, and yet, am seeing it for the first time. That’s because I am seeing it through new eyes with a new point of view and one that is not skewed by panic, self defamation nor emotional deterioration. Finding you within yourself is the same search that all humans are on, admittedly or not. Some succeed, some don’t. I am determined to be one that succeeds. It’s not a daily ride. I won’t sugar coat it. It’s an hourly ride. Sometimes, by the seconds/minutes. I have to constantly redirect my mind, change my train of thought and shut out the pain that may be stabbing at my heart and threatening to rip it into a million pieces. It’s not easy and I know there is going to come a moment in time, a second, a minute that I cannot find the strength within me fast enough to stop the tear and I will bleed out internally, fall into a pit of sadness and have quite a struggle to get myself out.
I am far from finished. I am barely beginning and I cannot fool myself into thinking that I am anywhere near. I am human. I struggle. I learn. I try.
It is all in the trying. Keep it up. You can do this. I have faith in you.
@hulksmash: You have been one of my biggest cheerleaders for a long time.
Thanks for that. *hugs*
You have a very strong center core, underneath it all. It was one of the first things I noticed about you when we first met. It was one of the many reasons I admired you and quickly loved you. Over the years, through many struggles, you pushed through. Sometimes barely doing so, but you always made it through the storm and that is because of who you are inside. Your road is long, with hills to conquer and potholes to climb out of but with faith, hope and love, you will travel with those who have loved you endlessly, unconditionally, always. No amount of time between conversations can strip that away. Just keep believing in who you are… a phenomenal woman. And I still love you, my beautiful friend…my soul sister.
@bella: You always make me feel worthy. Even if I am not, you have a way. Thank you. Your words and the earnestness behind them means the world to me. I have leaned on you for so many years. I love you.