AzJade[dot]Com

I have never been happier to see a year end than when I said goodbye to 2009.  Even if 2010 seems to be starting off as rocky, if not more-so than 2009 ended, I can see…. There is a light. One that wasn’t there before necessarily. Maybe it was, maybe it always has been, but for me, lately, it’s been dim. Maybe even completely eclipsed by that which I put in front of it. That which I held on to so dearly and for no good reason either, that I can see. My focus had become about others, about something else completely and had lifted entirely from myself. I lost me. I had let me go, drowning in storms that were not my own, taking on water that I had no business taking on, drowning me in a deep sea of darkness.

With no light.

There is no one to blame but myself. I see that now. I allowed outside forces to dictate and guide me right into stormy waters. I clung to mere shrapnel when I had an entire boat before me, yet, I turned my back. I thought I knew I best. I thought I’d taken control and finally found my way. When all I had actually done was allow myself to get completely lost, vying for what I did not deserve, bathing those who did not deserve and fumbling around in a darkened cave of questions and fear with no answers that made any sense to me what so ever.

With no light.

What is it to love, if you cannot be who you are? What is it to live if you must live in the constant shadow of who those around you think you should be or want you to be? Coming to light, the awesome feeling of grace, knowing that those will love me or they won’t, but it doesn’t matter because I have to be me. I have to take care of the person inside of what has become a tired, depressed, haggard shell. Every person and being on this earth has their issues and, God willing, we manage to be loved, to find our way through the darkness, issues and all. We are bathed in love and acceptance if we choose to surround ourselves with those whom are secure enough in their own selves to allow for imperfections within their human counterparts. Those who are will help guide, not hinder, the growth of those around them. Their light will shine bright in even the darkest storms, drawing the wounded, the broken, the children with issues to them.

And there is light.

We all get lost. We all find ourselves scared, insecure, shivering and weak. Some prey on the lost. Others find and lead them home. Some are wolves in sheep’s clothing hunting for the weak in order to fulfill themselves in ways others cannot even comprehend. You must not lose faith in yourself should you be fooled by one of those wolves. You are not the sad creature, they are. There is light, there is hope and there are those who are not out to hurt you but to help you. Reaching out open arms from darkened corners, offering peace and light and love. The kind of love that comes without strings, without demands, without conditions.

un·con·di·tion·al (ŭn’kən-dĭsh’ə-nəl)

adj. Without conditions or limitations; absolute

There have been many in my long years earthbound whom have preached, promised and pitched line after line professing unconditional love. The whole while placing conditions and limitations on that very love.  Using it as a weapon for their various self gains. There is only one whom can give true unconditional love.

He is the light. And I want to go home.

Psalm 36:9 (New International Version)

9 For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.

I stand now, in this new year, and shed the old clothes of the last. I wipe clean the tears of pain from my stained cheeks and find my wits within. There is a warmth in my soul, bubbling over at the very thought of this new path. I banish that which has held me down. I thrust forth my chin in defiance of all that has clipped my wings and wounded my soul. I am broken. I do not pretend. My road has been long, my path to healing has been hindered, hampered by my own hands. I can see it now. I can see it clear as day.

Tags: azjade, illinois, insecurities, jaded, learning, life, love, matters of the heart, melia, patience, personal, shumaker, skinner, soul, Sunburns, there is light

Trackback URI | Comments RSS