Apr 12 2010
The Shrink Said There’d Be Days Like That
Part of having those kinds of days rolls into the “ok, this means I am not perfect” and begins this vicious cycle.
I am getting better at stopping it at the onset. Part of what I have learned this year is how to see these things coming on, i.e. panic attacks, and head them off at the pass using techniques I have learned.
Sometimes, however, they come on strong and fast and they sneak right past all of my newly developed skillz and they slam me right in the chest with the power of 12 locomotives.
Yeah, can you imagine?
Then begins my inner monologue of all the ways in which I did not achieve perfection this day, this week, this month. All the different arenas in which I failed become the focus as I dissect why, what, and most of all, how.
The self loathing becomes heavy, my eyes swell from crying, and I can see or feel nothing but how I am letting everyone around me down, how everyone around me is going to walk out of my life (I must remember to let go of the past so it doesn’t screw up my future) and I waller in weak. These ‘episodes’, as I like to call them, aren’t anywhere near as often as they were even 12 months ago. And 12 months from now they will occur even less than they do today.
The difference? For the first time in my life I have a fantastic support group. I believe in them, now? I must believe in me, and put all of my trust and all of my faith into my God.
Combined, those things will keep that mood ring from flashing and hold it at a steady glow.
Have a great Monday!
I totally get where you are coming from. I am also glad that you realize that you are getting stronger. The epidodes will get better as you learn ways to manage them. You can do this.