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Sorry. Ok, not really. Couldn’t help it. This commercial had me laughing so hard my belly hurt, my eyes were crying without me, and I couldn’t breathe. It’s been a while and it felt good.

I went to the eye dr. today. I hadn’t been in years and years, but the headaches had gotten so much worse I couldn’t handle it any more. I knew my eyes were bad, but had no idea how bad until today.

I ordered a darling (ohmygawd does that make me sound old) pair of glasses I can’t wait to get! As soon as they come I will show them off to y’all. I know, you can’t wait can ya? Keep yer pants on, will be soon enough. As it will also be the first time I publicly (i.e. internets) reveal my new hair cut. *evil grin* Kept that one a secret too! Been over a month and I love it, love it, LOVE IT!

There are a couple of things in the works, silver linings if you will, so keep a prayer for me, k? I still feel as though my lungs are filling with tar, slowly, but I might be able to cough a bit of it up soon.

I found a fabulous church that I am loving. Absolutely wonderful. I have never felt so welcomed and immediately a part of a family before as I had when I walked through that door for the first time. I know God works in strange ways, ways that are dark to our understandings sometimes, and this is no exception. Through an extremely unsavory circumstance, He brought someone into my life in a very unexpected way and I couldn’t be more thankful. In some pretty dark days, there has been a hint of light here and there and I cling to it with everything I have. I am not out yet, but I have found a touch of hope.

The loss of hope is one of the scariest things I have ever felt in my life. I don’t believe it’s something I have ever gone through, as I have been going through it here recently. Support and friendship have come to me in strange and unexpected ways via unexpected people that I never would have guessed. Moment to moment, one step at a time. I am no where near where I should be yet. The nights are the hardest, but having things like that E-Trade commercial to make me laugh until I cry certainly help! Gotta find the laughter. It truly heals.

Where was I? Oh. Yeah. You probably don’t know either. How could you, if I don’t even know, right? Right.

On with the dusting. You know, the dusting off of such things that have been rarely used in the past year.

Like, my self confidence. Whaddyaknow. There is some there and it’s amazing what you’ll find when you quit listening to the world, and listen to your own heart.

Too many times in my life I have listened to what others say, what they think, and I adopt their view of me as my own. What the hell. I find that this happens to occur when I have a great amount of respect for the person(s) with whom I am interacting. All sorts of people could fall into this category, yet it’s a fairly small group with me as I don’t have a whole lot of respect for very many people. Enter the self defamation.

I noticed that I will not only take on the other person’s view of me as my own, but I will fully encompass it. Harming myself in almost irreparable ways and giving them more power than they deserve. Really. Who on this planet actually deserves to hold the power to destroy another human being in any fashion? I know of no human worthy of such greatness. However, for some stupid reason, I seem to drop it in their laps. Seriously?

Take it apart. Peel it like an onion, dust off the mess and start again. That’s what I am facing within myself, deep inside of my soul. Coming to the surface is a fresh look. Like a clean window to look through. I am not as bad as those try to make me out to me. Delusional? I suppose some could say, however, my therapist doesn’t agree. Yes, I said therapist. Get over it.

I am traveling a road I know so well, and yet, am seeing it for the first time. That’s because I am seeing it through new eyes with a new point of view and one that is not skewed by panic, self defamation nor emotional deterioration. Finding you within yourself is the same search that all humans are on, admittedly or not. Some succeed, some don’t. I am determined to be one that succeeds. It’s not a daily ride. I won’t sugar coat it. It’s an hourly ride. Sometimes, by the seconds/minutes. I have to constantly redirect my mind, change my train of thought and shut out the pain that may be stabbing at my heart and threatening to rip it into a million pieces. It’s not easy and I know there is going to come a moment in time, a second, a minute that I cannot find the strength within me fast enough to stop the tear and I will bleed out internally, fall into a pit of sadness and have quite a struggle to get myself out.

I am far from finished. I am barely beginning and I cannot fool myself into thinking that I am anywhere near. I am human. I struggle. I learn. I try.

I have never been happier to see a year end than when I said goodbye to 2009.  Even if 2010 seems to be starting off as rocky, if not more-so than 2009 ended, I can see…. There is a light. One that wasn’t there before necessarily. Maybe it was, maybe it always has been, but for me, lately, it’s been dim. Maybe even completely eclipsed by that which I put in front of it. That which I held on to so dearly and for no good reason either, that I can see. My focus had become about others, about something else completely and had lifted entirely from myself. I lost me. I had let me go, drowning in storms that were not my own, taking on water that I had no business taking on, drowning me in a deep sea of darkness.

With no light.

There is no one to blame but myself. I see that now. I allowed outside forces to dictate and guide me right into stormy waters. I clung to mere shrapnel when I had an entire boat before me, yet, I turned my back. I thought I knew I best. I thought I’d taken control and finally found my way. When all I had actually done was allow myself to get completely lost, vying for what I did not deserve, bathing those who did not deserve and fumbling around in a darkened cave of questions and fear with no answers that made any sense to me what so ever.

With no light.

What is it to love, if you cannot be who you are? What is it to live if you must live in the constant shadow of who those around you think you should be or want you to be? Coming to light, the awesome feeling of grace, knowing that those will love me or they won’t, but it doesn’t matter because I have to be me. I have to take care of the person inside of what has become a tired, depressed, haggard shell. Every person and being on this earth has their issues and, God willing, we manage to be loved, to find our way through the darkness, issues and all. We are bathed in love and acceptance if we choose to surround ourselves with those whom are secure enough in their own selves to allow for imperfections within their human counterparts. Those who are will help guide, not hinder, the growth of those around them. Their light will shine bright in even the darkest storms, drawing the wounded, the broken, the children with issues to them.

And there is light.

We all get lost. We all find ourselves scared, insecure, shivering and weak. Some prey on the lost. Others find and lead them home. Some are wolves in sheep’s clothing hunting for the weak in order to fulfill themselves in ways others cannot even comprehend. You must not lose faith in yourself should you be fooled by one of those wolves. You are not the sad creature, they are. There is light, there is hope and there are those who are not out to hurt you but to help you. Reaching out open arms from darkened corners, offering peace and light and love. The kind of love that comes without strings, without demands, without conditions.

un·con·di·tion·al (ŭn’kən-dĭsh’ə-nəl)

adj. Without conditions or limitations; absolute

There have been many in my long years earthbound whom have preached, promised and pitched line after line professing unconditional love. The whole while placing conditions and limitations on that very love.  Using it as a weapon for their various self gains. There is only one whom can give true unconditional love.

He is the light. And I want to go home.

Psalm 36:9 (New International Version)

9 For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.

I stand now, in this new year, and shed the old clothes of the last. I wipe clean the tears of pain from my stained cheeks and find my wits within. There is a warmth in my soul, bubbling over at the very thought of this new path. I banish that which has held me down. I thrust forth my chin in defiance of all that has clipped my wings and wounded my soul. I am broken. I do not pretend. My road has been long, my path to healing has been hindered, hampered by my own hands. I can see it now. I can see it clear as day.

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