No matter who, no matter what, it’s always there at the edges of my world, waiting for the opportunity to sneak it’s ugly way in and create havoc in my life. With these occurrences, I allowed it to do just that. By not taking control of my own emotional state of mind, I turned myself over freely to the darkness and damn near rolled out the red carpet. I opened myself up for the disconnection from the good that I had found and began my saunter into it’s arms, descending farther and farther every day into that void.

I had been doing much better. Truly. Or, so I thought. I suppose the true test of how far you’ve come or not, is experiencing something that has the potential to set you back. Sure, you can sail along and have breezy days as long as there are no challenges and believe with everything in your heart that you are improving, are stronger and totally centered. The true test comes in when there is a challenge that comes along and blows you off your axis causing a complete disconnection. How well do you recover? If at all…

It’s been about 3 weeks since incident #1. It’s been a week since incident #2. I have made several grave mistakes since the onset of disconnection.

1. I pretended that the first incident was no big deal. I faked my way through, put on a brave face and buried the emotions the event brought up. I never dealt with it properly.
2. This allowed the darkness to begin the disconnection virtually undetected. At first.
3. I did not realize the downward spiral when incident #2 occurred, leaving me virtually unprotected.
4. Rather than begin the processes of overcoming, working through and dealing with the emotional upheaval, I turned to another person to ‘save’ me.
5. I fell back into the negative disconnection of feeling helpless, broken and full of deadly fear.

Cycles. Patterns. Habits. All things formed at a very early age; all things I have been working so hard at learning to break in order to move forward in my life and become free of the darkness and disconnection. Yet, so quickly and so easily I fell back into step as if I’d not made a single positive step forward at all.

I lay awake nearly all night last night. I dissected and analyzed every single step into this dissension I have found myself embedded within. I have to own it all. I realize that, while I have no control over the actions of the universe and her peoples within, I do have control over how I react to them. I chose to react in the poorest form possible. In turn, I caused the literal collapse of everything around me. Including relationships that I have been working on building. At this point, I can only pray the foundations were solid enough to withstand this earthquake. I can’t hope that there has been no damage caused, as it’s very obvious there was moderate to severe damage, but I can hope that a rebuilding can occur.

Positive thinking. I have to believe that I can overcome this and continue on my path of self improvement. I have to choose to reconnect and climb out of the darkness, into the light once more, and learn from these experiences in order to take the lessons, apply them correctly and move forward.

It is only when we stop growing, do we become stale.

Yes. I am in love with this pretty phone on it’s pretty little pink case. Not sure I need much else. K. Skoes. A new pair of shoes someday. 

Hot damn I am so easily amused. Ok. She needs a name. I need to think of something soon.

I may or may not even write it on her with rhinestones.

Shaddup.

I love not being threatened every single day that I am going to lose my job if I don’t stop treating my customers like people and start treating them like a number for the sake of the ‘company’.

It’s nice to breathe.

And, while in my current position this will sound a little crazy and off kilter, I really am enjoying the part-time gig as well. I have time to actually cook breakfast for my children in the mornings and send them off for their school day on a positive note. I have time to listen to their stories, help with their school works and spend time with them as I haven’t in two years. No, it’s not fabulous on the pocket book, but it’s fabulous for irreplaceable time with my children. I have missed two years that I will never get back because I was too busy giving my time and attention to crooks for pay. A kind of whoring of oneself, in my mind.

I love being at home more. Being able to take care of the house, clean, cook, do laundry, without having to try and cram everything into one day, including the spending time with kids thing. It sure makes for a happier me. It’s not that I am one of those people who just refuses to work long hours out of the home. I am merely one of those people who has a much happier soul when I am at home, tending to my children and my home, not dedicating my life to a company. I know I”m not alone in that, and unfortunately, so many parents cannot just quit the rat race or they’ll starve, lose their homes, etc. It’s the great American travesty.

Maybe it makes me crazy. The fact that less money, no title or notoriety any longer makes me a happier girl. What is a fancy title and office when you’re forced to basically give up your children in honor of the paycheck? What good does it do when your child needs you and you are gone kissing some corporate ass so that you can come home and explain to your child why your job is more important than they are? Means nothing to me. Not a thing.

I’d rather work part time bringing home minimum wage and take my children to church. I’d rather eat top ramen for dinner and be able to sit and talk with my children in the evenings, cook them eggs for breakfast in the morning and be here to see their activities, partake in their lives, and have them know that they are the most important beings in my life.

I am blessed. My children are blessed. Things are good. I am completely content being a part time checker at the local grocery store with the option of being a full time mother in the home.

And it’s only going to get better from here.

Jump. Just do it. It’s called Faith.

Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.

You don’t have to take Faith as a religious connotation. Faith is merely the belief in something. Belief in yourself, your abilities. Belief that no matter if you can see the end of the road before you or not, that there is an end and it’s not going to be nearly as bad as you imagine. Is anything truly as bad as you imagine, ever? No.

Letting go of the Fear.

That, in it’s self, can sometimes be the biggest hurdle you’re going to have to make it over during your journey. Once you’ve gotten past the Fear, hell, the rest of it should be a cake walk really. Even though I am uncertain of the tomorrows I have heading my way, and what’s going to unfold as I begin to live them, I know that I have to let go of the fear and find the faith I need to do so and pass through knowing that no matter what, I am going to be ok. I have to hold on, with both hands fiercely to the knowledge that I have to live for me and nobody else, first and foremost. If I am not living for me, I cannot be the kind of mother my children deserve and need, nor can I be the kind of friend I should…anything for that matter.

Sound selfish? I suppose so if you’re looking at it in the most negative way.

As I find myself standing on this ledge staring down at the path before me, I am leaning heavily on my Faith and working hard at pushing away the Fear. I don’t know how successful I am going to be, but I am going to give it everything I’ve got. In my case, that means leaning on and walking with my Father and in the light of the Holy Spirit. For you, it may be something completely different. Whatever it is, just never let go, even when things seem hopeless and desperate. The moment you let go, that’s the moment you lose everything.

Take a deep breath…spread your wings, close your eyes……and fly with me.

Been quite some time, and it was about damn time too. Yup. Headed out to Crossroads last Saturday night to see my boys. BoneSauce. Gosh, I’m startin’ to get all drooly thinking about it again….

I first saw these guys shortly after I moved to Illinois. They were recommended to my by Jamie and Bill and after hearing them rave on and on about how fabulous they were, of course I had to go check them out.

I was not disappointed.

So, heading back out this past weekend to see them in my old stompin’ grounds just felt like I was comin’ home. Once again, BoneSauce did not disappoint. I arrived during their first set, as I’d had to work and didn’t get off in time to beat the band. Luckily, my seat was being saved so I didn’t have to worry about having to crowd against the wall in the back of the bar! I got to park my ass right up front. Yeah baby. That’s just how I roll.

Immediately BoneSauce began to take over. I found my body movin’ and shakin’ right there where I was sitting! I’m telling you, these guys are damned hot. Their sound is clean, their sets are the bomb and they are real people. Like you and me. They aren’t too good to interact with the crowd. They mingle when they take breaks and they welcome their fans to chat with them. I love that about these guys!

It wasn’t long before my ass was on the dance floor. Shaddup. I know, it can’t be a pretty sight I am sure, but holy shit did it feel good to be out there! It was hot in the bar, crowded and loud. It was perfect! BoneSauce kept the flow of unadulterated good times by choosing just the perfect songs to play! I have to wonder. Is it a science that goes into choosing songs for sets? Like, do they sit around and, depending upon the venue and the crowd, plan out the sets based on specific criteria? Because I’m telling you, it was perfect. I do not recall a single song starting up and me sitting down or feeling ‘ho-hum’ about it. Not one time. Every time a song started, I got more pumped than I was during the one before!

That’s the thing with these guys. Just pure good times. They play to their fans, to the crowd. They create an atmosphere of laid back easy fun. They are amazing as a band. Their sound, their skill…everything. Each member brings to the group not only a set of unique talents, but a huge dose of personality and it all just clicks and flows. I have been to see many bands, and apparently (as I learned on Saturday night lol) I have been living under a rock as there are a couple that I *should* have known about and already seen, but have not due to my own deprivation as of late. However, no matter how good anybody else is, BoneSauce will remain my first love and first choice for a down home good time.

I am a little sad today tho. BoneSauce is going to be playing at the Grand Tap in Galesburg tonight and I am going to miss it. *sniff* I have to work, and that just really sucks. So much that if I think about it too hard I will cry, and I don’t want to do that cuz then I will end up with salt stains on my new BoneSauce shirt and well, we just can’t have that at all.

On a side note, I am soo disappointed in my Samsung Caliber. So much so that I would almost like to purposefully drop the damn thing in the toilet, then flush it. Asshat.

One of the HUGE pluses to seeing BoneSauce is getting to witness the awesome drum skills of Terry Hodges. Hot damn this guy is hot. Anyhow, he will randomly begin beating out a drum solo that will knock your socks off and this time, I got it on video! OMG I was soooo excited! Yeah, well, thank you to my stupid, retarded, lame ass Samsung Caliber the sound is so screwed up it just ruins the entire video! He is a God and I was finally able to catch his Godliness on video and my phone sucks so bad it made me cry in pain. Really? Ugh.

Here is a clip of the vid minus the sound. Which ended up being a good thing cuz the sound quality sucked so badly your ears would bleed. Truly, in real life, he sounds amazing!

So, I guess you’ll just have to go see BoneSauce live and check it out for yourselves. Hey, get off my back. I tried to let you out the easy way. It’s not my fault my phone sucks ass.

In case you missed it above, their next gig is going to be at:

Grand Tap – August 20  9:00pm-1:00am
2100 Grand Avenue
Galesburg, IL 61401-6455
(309) 342-9149

I love you guys! MWUAH!

Of course, it was imperative that she start on this particular day, as I was heading to an interview for a job that I desperately needed. Yup. You guessed it. She wouldn’t start. At all. Nada. Zip, zilch, zero. None of the usual tricks worked, nothing worked, she was just dead.

So I thought.

Keep in mind. Over the past two years of her bullshit, I had talked to many a mechanic, several men, women, people I thought would maybe have some suggestion or clue as to what the problem may be. Everyone had guesses, none of which were right. Every single mechanic that I spoke to said the same thing to me….they had no clue and couldn’t know unless she acted up in their presence. Which, she never did mind you. Typical woman. Make a liar and a fool out of me every single time.

Well, I feel lucky and blessed that I found Alan, thanks to another friend whom suggested I speak with him. Upon taking my car to him, I began my uneducated (at least in the ways of cars and technical jargon of car mechanics) I began to explain to him in my own infantile way what she would sound like, how I would use certain tricks to get her to start, what my theories were…etc…etc. Guess what he did?

Omg, are you ready for this? HE LISTENED TO ME! Yes, it’s true. And, he really is male. I know, hard to believe, but I swear on everything holy it’s the truth. Not only did he listen to me, but even through my jumbled hard to comprehend infantile explanations of what in the hell she was doing, he figured that shit out and actually knew what the problem(s) were.

Alan spent two days replacing every.single relay in her. He dug, tested, tried, and fixed her so she runs so smooth it’s as though she’s brand spankin’ new. I couldn’t be happier. I couldn’t be more excited that my love is running so sweetly right now!

Next? She is getting a system installed! By Alan, of course. Oh yes, my Jaded beauty is going to thump, bump, and rumble your socks right off of your feet! No, I’m not too old for that shit, damnit! Hey, it was my generation that started the stereo craze baby. Love it. Woot!

You all know, better than anyone, how much I love my car. I wouldn’t entrust her to just anyone, hence the reason I talked, researched and tried for two freakin’ years to find someone I trusted under her hood. Not only did Alan fix her, but he made her sexay to boot! Oh lord, I don’t believe I have EVER seen her engine soooo clean! I know, it’s the little things that turn me on so. It’s also the little things like that that you will find in a hometown guy like Alan of Extreme Auto. Do I sound like an infomercial?

Well, FU. Cuz guess what? I don’t talk about ANYTHING I don’t believe in whole heartedly on this here blog and I am telling you, folks like Alan are hard to find in this world. Part of me doesn’t even want to hit the “Publish” button on this here post because I want to keep him for myself. Yet, here I am, sharing my new found gem with y’all cuz I’m just a good friend like that.

Whatever.

I believe in him, I believe in his skills, his honesty and him as a person. You won’t find better. For those of you whom don’t live anywhere near Monmouth, Illinois? My sympathies to you.

For those that do? You can contact Alan at the following information. He does repairs of all kinds, he does stereo installs, he does detail work, he does it all, for a fair price, in good time and he’s cute to boot! Ok, maybe the men don’t care about that last part, but ladies? Oh yeah. Just sayin’.

Anyhow, here’s his info…..

Extreme Auto
Custom Auto Care
601 W Broadway, Monmouth, IL 61462
309.297.0757

Ask for Alan.

Peace.

I would give anything to have just have lunch with Melissa Etheridge one day….

Anything.

Truly.

You want my right arm?

It’s yours.

And maybe to be able to take some pictures of her.

Ok, that might be pushing it.

I’ll throw in the right leg too, for that to be added in.

Just sayin’.

I can’t afford to let that happen. On so many levels!

As summer winds down, our schedule has been uber busy. Getting children ready for school, i.e dr appointments, physicals, registrations this week and next, not to mention my own personal things I have needed to accomplish.

Unemployment filings, job searching, interviews, forms for different types of aid being filled out, delivered, creating more appointments and interviews. Then, you have your every day life chores. Top it all off with a major overhaul of the landscaping – as it seriously was a jungle, reminiscent of that found in the Amazon. Temperatures have been high, carrying with them buckets of high humidity to match, leaving it virtually impossible to accomplish much of anything on some days.

Paper work. I have filled out more paper work here lately than there are trees in some small countries. I have signed my name so many times that even my own signature is beginning to look foreign to me.

There are days I am so confused, so filled with absolute feelings of being lost or blind folded that I don’t even know which end is up. I wander through each day, following the signs that tell me what to do and where to go, with no actual idea what in the hell I am doing. But, somehow I end up ok in the end.

Finally, I have a job. It’s part time, minimum wage, but it’s a job. Hallelujah. It’s a start. I can happy dance around in circles, and I did, trust me! Tonight is my new hire orientation, and thus begins a new path down a slightly known old path…a re-visitation if you will. One thing is for damn sure. I will NEVER go back to the banking business again. Ever. I don’t care if I have to clean toilets. That’s not what my new job is, btw, I’m just sayin’ is all.

Gotta keep that hot air blowin’ into my sails! Lord knows I’ve enough of it…..

14. Learn to tango.

13. Massage their feet; and give them a back rub.