They’ve already been chewn down to the bits.

I woke this morning, healed a couple of instances (although am really tired of pug’in with 6 yr olds, jest sayin’), made bacon and blueberry pancakes, cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed out the refrigerator, wiped down the walls, vacuumed & dusted the living room, vacuumed the kitchen (yes, it’s carpeted *ugh*) and started laundry. After breakfast I vacuumed the stairs ( I *really* hate that), cleaned the bathroom, cleaned & vacuumed the bedroom and am now waiting to switch and fold laundry so I can run some more.

*Breathe*

I believe I am working out my nervous energies. I am nervous for tomorrow, but in a good way. Nervous excitement I suppose.  It feels good. To be excited about a tomorrow. It’s going to be rough sleeping tonight, and waking in the morning full of delight rather than loathing will be a welcomed switch.

I have to decide yet what I am going to wear for my first day in my new position. Don’t eye roll. It’s a HUGE deal, the clothing, as it’s the first impression and it needs to count. Am feeling the pressure. It feels damned good too!

I am going to thrive, I just know it. Now, since I’ve cleaned everything to clean, I need to figure out what I am going to do between folding loads of laundry to keep my mind busy. Maybe I’ll just have to pug with some more 6 yr olds and blast their asses for their idiopathic ways.

Yeah.  

If you consider escaping with my dignity and my pride in tact, then I think I did good. After months and months of torment, harassment and various other forms of  negativeness, I am finally moving on.

On my terms.

That’s what it’s all about folks.

Bearing down, gritting your teeth, taking what you must, and with a grain of salt. Each day is but a mere blink of an eye in this life. Sometimes you just have to tell yourself over and over again “Smile and wave boys, smile and wave” in order to make it through. When it’s all said and done, keeping your head will pan out in the end for the better of all.

I walked out the doors and drove the long drive home for the last time.  I am starting a new chapter in my life and closing the door on this past year forever. I can’t say that I am walking away with very many positive experiences, however, I can say that I am hoping the negative ones will pan out and become positive ones within my future position. I see the negative as what I don’t want to become, a learning experience of what I don’t want to do, leading me into a more positive roll for myself and my new co-workers. I think I have seen and been through every single negative thing that one could possibly imagine seeing or going through within a company. It is going to make me a million times more appreciative of my new place of work as well.

I see a brighter year ahead for myself and I couldn’t be more excited, open and ready for it either.

It has been a humbling year. One that has torn me down to the bare bones, exposing all of my flaws, weaknesses, injuries, shames and sorrows and throwing them all in my face over and over again. I have been punished on many levels and was made raw in the process.

Now it’s time to come out, come back, stronger and better than ever and this is just the beginning.

I say goodbye to all that has hurt me.

Goodbye to all that threatened to take away my dignity, my pride.

Goodbye to those who did nothing more than try to keep me down day after day.

Hello new chapter.

Monday starts my new job, my new life, my new me.

I don’t think I have ever looked forward to a Monday with so much excitement and hope before! There is truly a first for everything!

I got mahself a new shiny new job! It’s an up in position, for me. I suppose some wouldn’t consider middle management an up, but when you’re coming from the very bottom rung, sometimes even further down than that run depending on the day, it’s an up. To me, it’s a stepping stone. One can’t go forward through the muck without such things as stepping stones. I am completely thrilled, totally excited, a little frightened – but I think that fright will be a good thing and make me even better than I anticipate.

It’s at a different bank than the one I am currently working as a part time peon. I will be Assistant Manager at this new bank, which is also located about 15 minutes closer to my house, saving me time on the drive, gas, wear and tear on my car….etc.  The pay is ridiculously better, but, that’s not saying much as I would be turning cartwheels over anything right now since I am getting paid about the equivalent of a kernel of corn a day.  I just don’t think I could be more ecstatic than I have been all week.

This will be my last Wednesday ever in my current position. Squeeeeee!

On that note, I am taking Wednesday and created a WoW wednesday. Yes, I play Wow. Yes, I am growing an addiction. It’s a mere slight appendage right now, but it has potential.  This is my main me. This is also me. I have a couple of other me’s too that I am bringing up, but they aren’t quite ready for the public just yet. They are still a little shy.

So, I found this while perusing the internets today, thought I’d share on this W0W Wednesday. Enjoy! Have a great hump day y’all!

Cross your fingers. Breathe deep. Say Chant my name 3 times while turning around in a circle thinking only happy thoughts such as warm summer breezes on deserted islands of white sands and turquoise waters.I ask this of thee as there may just be some silver linings trying to peep out in my world and I am sure they (as could I) use all of the help y’all can offer.

I know I can count on you.

More info when the time is right!

I went to the eye dr. today. I hadn’t been in years and years, but the headaches had gotten so much worse I couldn’t handle it any more. I knew my eyes were bad, but had no idea how bad until today.

I ordered a darling (ohmygawd does that make me sound old) pair of glasses I can’t wait to get! As soon as they come I will show them off to y’all. I know, you can’t wait can ya? Keep yer pants on, will be soon enough. As it will also be the first time I publicly (i.e. internets) reveal my new hair cut. *evil grin* Kept that one a secret too! Been over a month and I love it, love it, LOVE IT!

There are a couple of things in the works, silver linings if you will, so keep a prayer for me, k? I still feel as though my lungs are filling with tar, slowly, but I might be able to cough a bit of it up soon.

I found a fabulous church that I am loving. Absolutely wonderful. I have never felt so welcomed and immediately a part of a family before as I had when I walked through that door for the first time. I know God works in strange ways, ways that are dark to our understandings sometimes, and this is no exception. Through an extremely unsavory circumstance, He brought someone into my life in a very unexpected way and I couldn’t be more thankful. In some pretty dark days, there has been a hint of light here and there and I cling to it with everything I have. I am not out yet, but I have found a touch of hope.

The loss of hope is one of the scariest things I have ever felt in my life. I don’t believe it’s something I have ever gone through, as I have been going through it here recently. Support and friendship have come to me in strange and unexpected ways via unexpected people that I never would have guessed. Moment to moment, one step at a time. I am no where near where I should be yet. The nights are the hardest, but having things like that E-Trade commercial to make me laugh until I cry certainly help! Gotta find the laughter. It truly heals.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Well I have lived ten years plus ten
And ten and ten again
I have seen too much to pretend
And then you wanted to come in
I have survived all of the lies
They made me wise
The locks and walls and the peace it buys
Still when I look into your eyes
It’s a surprise when you say

It’s gonna be alright
It’s gonna be okay
Just hold on tight
let it all go away

What do you want from me
Mercy, mercy baby
What do you want from me

well I plead Mercy, mercy baby
I do not know what this all means
It’s been awhile
Since I’ve been stylin’ in
Just my jacket and my jeans

It hurts to walk
It hurts to talk
It hurts to think about it
Shout about it
Could I be sure without a doubt
That you could never live without

It’s gonna be alright
It’s gonna be okay
Just hold on tight
let it all go away
Mercy baby
What do you want from me
Mercy, mercy, mercy baby
What do you want from me

It’s gonna be alright
It’s gonna be okay
Just hold on tight
let it all go away
I want to fall in you
Crawl in you
Surrender
All in you now

Could I be sure in you
Pure in you
Finding the cure in you
Now I plead
Have mercy on me

Now I am kneeling at the altar
In the temple of your eyes
And I am asking for a miracle
I have been too long paralyzed when you say

Get up
Stand up
Climb the rope of hope
and open up again

All the peace you say is promised me
seems too much to comprehend

It’s gonna be alright
It’s gonna be okay
Just hold on tight
let it all go away
Mercy baby
What do you want from me
Mercy, mercy baby
what Can this girl believe

It’s gonna be alright
It’s gonna be okay
Honey just hold on tight
And I’ll make it all go away
Hold on

It’s gonna be alright
Mercy darling
Mercy
Let it all go away

Thank you girl. As usual, you’ve come through. Your words, your notes, you soul and your story. You have, once again, reached out and grabbed hold, shaken me to my very core and rebuilt that which was torn down. One day I will meet you. I will shake your hand and die satisfied.

Ciao.

On with the dusting. You know, the dusting off of such things that have been rarely used in the past year.

Like, my self confidence. Whaddyaknow. There is some there and it’s amazing what you’ll find when you quit listening to the world, and listen to your own heart.

Too many times in my life I have listened to what others say, what they think, and I adopt their view of me as my own. What the hell. I find that this happens to occur when I have a great amount of respect for the person(s) with whom I am interacting. All sorts of people could fall into this category, yet it’s a fairly small group with me as I don’t have a whole lot of respect for very many people. Enter the self defamation.

I noticed that I will not only take on the other person’s view of me as my own, but I will fully encompass it. Harming myself in almost irreparable ways and giving them more power than they deserve. Really. Who on this planet actually deserves to hold the power to destroy another human being in any fashion? I know of no human worthy of such greatness. However, for some stupid reason, I seem to drop it in their laps. Seriously?

Take it apart. Peel it like an onion, dust off the mess and start again. That’s what I am facing within myself, deep inside of my soul. Coming to the surface is a fresh look. Like a clean window to look through. I am not as bad as those try to make me out to me. Delusional? I suppose some could say, however, my therapist doesn’t agree. Yes, I said therapist. Get over it.

I am traveling a road I know so well, and yet, am seeing it for the first time. That’s because I am seeing it through new eyes with a new point of view and one that is not skewed by panic, self defamation nor emotional deterioration. Finding you within yourself is the same search that all humans are on, admittedly or not. Some succeed, some don’t. I am determined to be one that succeeds. It’s not a daily ride. I won’t sugar coat it. It’s an hourly ride. Sometimes, by the seconds/minutes. I have to constantly redirect my mind, change my train of thought and shut out the pain that may be stabbing at my heart and threatening to rip it into a million pieces. It’s not easy and I know there is going to come a moment in time, a second, a minute that I cannot find the strength within me fast enough to stop the tear and I will bleed out internally, fall into a pit of sadness and have quite a struggle to get myself out.

I am far from finished. I am barely beginning and I cannot fool myself into thinking that I am anywhere near. I am human. I struggle. I learn. I try.

I have never been happier to see a year end than when I said goodbye to 2009.  Even if 2010 seems to be starting off as rocky, if not more-so than 2009 ended, I can see…. There is a light. One that wasn’t there before necessarily. Maybe it was, maybe it always has been, but for me, lately, it’s been dim. Maybe even completely eclipsed by that which I put in front of it. That which I held on to so dearly and for no good reason either, that I can see. My focus had become about others, about something else completely and had lifted entirely from myself. I lost me. I had let me go, drowning in storms that were not my own, taking on water that I had no business taking on, drowning me in a deep sea of darkness.

With no light.

There is no one to blame but myself. I see that now. I allowed outside forces to dictate and guide me right into stormy waters. I clung to mere shrapnel when I had an entire boat before me, yet, I turned my back. I thought I knew I best. I thought I’d taken control and finally found my way. When all I had actually done was allow myself to get completely lost, vying for what I did not deserve, bathing those who did not deserve and fumbling around in a darkened cave of questions and fear with no answers that made any sense to me what so ever.

With no light.

What is it to love, if you cannot be who you are? What is it to live if you must live in the constant shadow of who those around you think you should be or want you to be? Coming to light, the awesome feeling of grace, knowing that those will love me or they won’t, but it doesn’t matter because I have to be me. I have to take care of the person inside of what has become a tired, depressed, haggard shell. Every person and being on this earth has their issues and, God willing, we manage to be loved, to find our way through the darkness, issues and all. We are bathed in love and acceptance if we choose to surround ourselves with those whom are secure enough in their own selves to allow for imperfections within their human counterparts. Those who are will help guide, not hinder, the growth of those around them. Their light will shine bright in even the darkest storms, drawing the wounded, the broken, the children with issues to them.

And there is light.

We all get lost. We all find ourselves scared, insecure, shivering and weak. Some prey on the lost. Others find and lead them home. Some are wolves in sheep’s clothing hunting for the weak in order to fulfill themselves in ways others cannot even comprehend. You must not lose faith in yourself should you be fooled by one of those wolves. You are not the sad creature, they are. There is light, there is hope and there are those who are not out to hurt you but to help you. Reaching out open arms from darkened corners, offering peace and light and love. The kind of love that comes without strings, without demands, without conditions.

un·con·di·tion·al (ŭn’kən-dĭsh’ə-nəl)

adj. Without conditions or limitations; absolute

There have been many in my long years earthbound whom have preached, promised and pitched line after line professing unconditional love. The whole while placing conditions and limitations on that very love.  Using it as a weapon for their various self gains. There is only one whom can give true unconditional love.

He is the light. And I want to go home.

Psalm 36:9 (New International Version)

9 For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.

I stand now, in this new year, and shed the old clothes of the last. I wipe clean the tears of pain from my stained cheeks and find my wits within. There is a warmth in my soul, bubbling over at the very thought of this new path. I banish that which has held me down. I thrust forth my chin in defiance of all that has clipped my wings and wounded my soul. I am broken. I do not pretend. My road has been long, my path to healing has been hindered, hampered by my own hands. I can see it now. I can see it clear as day.

You’ve got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

You’ve got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

As long as there’s the two of us,
we’ve got the world and all it’s charms.
And when the world is through with us,
we’ve got each other’s arms.

You’ve got to win a little, lose a little,
yes, and always have the blues a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.
-Bette Midler