I *heart* Avon. I always have. So, I thought, why not? I mean, it’s not like I couldn’t use any extra cash I might be able to get my hands on. It’s something that I truly love, use myself and can get my hands on much easier by being my own rep too, right? So, why not?

You don’t have to live in Monmouth to make me your personal Avon rep either. You can visit my Avon website and order whatever you want, anytime you want from wherever you are! It doesn’t get easier than this. Seriously.

The holidays are coming. Great deals are being offered. Holiday makeup? Stocking stuffers? A new piece of jewelry for your holiday wardrobe? ‘Tis my favorite season and I am sooo excited! Use me, abuse me, take advantage of me for my Avon!

At the very least, stop by today and see what’s new and dazzling at this generation’s Avon!

Not your grandmother's Avon!

I would give anything to have just have lunch with Melissa Etheridge one day….

Anything.

Truly.

You want my right arm?

It’s yours.

And maybe to be able to take some pictures of her.

Ok, that might be pushing it.

I’ll throw in the right leg too, for that to be added in.

Just sayin’.

I am getting better at stopping it at the onset. Part of what I have learned this year is how to see these things coming on, i.e. panic attacks, and head them off at the pass using techniques I have learned.
Sometimes, however, they come on strong and fast and they sneak right past all of my newly developed skillz and they slam me right in the chest with the power of 12 locomotives.

Yeah, can you imagine?

Then begins my inner monologue of all the ways in which I did not achieve perfection this day, this week, this month. All the different arenas in which I failed become the focus as I dissect why, what, and most of all, how.

The self loathing becomes heavy, my eyes swell from crying, and I can see or feel nothing but how I am letting everyone around me down, how everyone around me is going to walk out of my life (I must remember to let go of the past so it doesn’t screw up my future) and I waller in weak. These ‘episodes’, as I like to call them, aren’t anywhere near as often as they were even 12 months ago. And 12 months from now they will occur even less than they do today.

The difference? For the first time in my life I have a fantastic support group. I believe in them, now? I must believe in me, and put all of my trust and all of my faith into my God.

Combined, those things will keep that mood ring from flashing and hold it at a steady glow.

Have a great Monday!

I went to the eye dr. today. I hadn’t been in years and years, but the headaches had gotten so much worse I couldn’t handle it any more. I knew my eyes were bad, but had no idea how bad until today.

I ordered a darling (ohmygawd does that make me sound old) pair of glasses I can’t wait to get! As soon as they come I will show them off to y’all. I know, you can’t wait can ya? Keep yer pants on, will be soon enough. As it will also be the first time I publicly (i.e. internets) reveal my new hair cut. *evil grin* Kept that one a secret too! Been over a month and I love it, love it, LOVE IT!

There are a couple of things in the works, silver linings if you will, so keep a prayer for me, k? I still feel as though my lungs are filling with tar, slowly, but I might be able to cough a bit of it up soon.

I found a fabulous church that I am loving. Absolutely wonderful. I have never felt so welcomed and immediately a part of a family before as I had when I walked through that door for the first time. I know God works in strange ways, ways that are dark to our understandings sometimes, and this is no exception. Through an extremely unsavory circumstance, He brought someone into my life in a very unexpected way and I couldn’t be more thankful. In some pretty dark days, there has been a hint of light here and there and I cling to it with everything I have. I am not out yet, but I have found a touch of hope.

The loss of hope is one of the scariest things I have ever felt in my life. I don’t believe it’s something I have ever gone through, as I have been going through it here recently. Support and friendship have come to me in strange and unexpected ways via unexpected people that I never would have guessed. Moment to moment, one step at a time. I am no where near where I should be yet. The nights are the hardest, but having things like that E-Trade commercial to make me laugh until I cry certainly help! Gotta find the laughter. It truly heals.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Well I have lived ten years plus ten
And ten and ten again
I have seen too much to pretend
And then you wanted to come in
I have survived all of the lies
They made me wise
The locks and walls and the peace it buys
Still when I look into your eyes
It’s a surprise when you say

It’s gonna be alright
It’s gonna be okay
Just hold on tight
let it all go away

What do you want from me
Mercy, mercy baby
What do you want from me

well I plead Mercy, mercy baby
I do not know what this all means
It’s been awhile
Since I’ve been stylin’ in
Just my jacket and my jeans

It hurts to walk
It hurts to talk
It hurts to think about it
Shout about it
Could I be sure without a doubt
That you could never live without

It’s gonna be alright
It’s gonna be okay
Just hold on tight
let it all go away
Mercy baby
What do you want from me
Mercy, mercy, mercy baby
What do you want from me

It’s gonna be alright
It’s gonna be okay
Just hold on tight
let it all go away
I want to fall in you
Crawl in you
Surrender
All in you now

Could I be sure in you
Pure in you
Finding the cure in you
Now I plead
Have mercy on me

Now I am kneeling at the altar
In the temple of your eyes
And I am asking for a miracle
I have been too long paralyzed when you say

Get up
Stand up
Climb the rope of hope
and open up again

All the peace you say is promised me
seems too much to comprehend

It’s gonna be alright
It’s gonna be okay
Just hold on tight
let it all go away
Mercy baby
What do you want from me
Mercy, mercy baby
what Can this girl believe

It’s gonna be alright
It’s gonna be okay
Honey just hold on tight
And I’ll make it all go away
Hold on

It’s gonna be alright
Mercy darling
Mercy
Let it all go away

Thank you girl. As usual, you’ve come through. Your words, your notes, you soul and your story. You have, once again, reached out and grabbed hold, shaken me to my very core and rebuilt that which was torn down. One day I will meet you. I will shake your hand and die satisfied.

Ciao.

On with the dusting. You know, the dusting off of such things that have been rarely used in the past year.

Like, my self confidence. Whaddyaknow. There is some there and it’s amazing what you’ll find when you quit listening to the world, and listen to your own heart.

Too many times in my life I have listened to what others say, what they think, and I adopt their view of me as my own. What the hell. I find that this happens to occur when I have a great amount of respect for the person(s) with whom I am interacting. All sorts of people could fall into this category, yet it’s a fairly small group with me as I don’t have a whole lot of respect for very many people. Enter the self defamation.

I noticed that I will not only take on the other person’s view of me as my own, but I will fully encompass it. Harming myself in almost irreparable ways and giving them more power than they deserve. Really. Who on this planet actually deserves to hold the power to destroy another human being in any fashion? I know of no human worthy of such greatness. However, for some stupid reason, I seem to drop it in their laps. Seriously?

Take it apart. Peel it like an onion, dust off the mess and start again. That’s what I am facing within myself, deep inside of my soul. Coming to the surface is a fresh look. Like a clean window to look through. I am not as bad as those try to make me out to me. Delusional? I suppose some could say, however, my therapist doesn’t agree. Yes, I said therapist. Get over it.

I am traveling a road I know so well, and yet, am seeing it for the first time. That’s because I am seeing it through new eyes with a new point of view and one that is not skewed by panic, self defamation nor emotional deterioration. Finding you within yourself is the same search that all humans are on, admittedly or not. Some succeed, some don’t. I am determined to be one that succeeds. It’s not a daily ride. I won’t sugar coat it. It’s an hourly ride. Sometimes, by the seconds/minutes. I have to constantly redirect my mind, change my train of thought and shut out the pain that may be stabbing at my heart and threatening to rip it into a million pieces. It’s not easy and I know there is going to come a moment in time, a second, a minute that I cannot find the strength within me fast enough to stop the tear and I will bleed out internally, fall into a pit of sadness and have quite a struggle to get myself out.

I am far from finished. I am barely beginning and I cannot fool myself into thinking that I am anywhere near. I am human. I struggle. I learn. I try.

I have never been happier to see a year end than when I said goodbye to 2009.  Even if 2010 seems to be starting off as rocky, if not more-so than 2009 ended, I can see…. There is a light. One that wasn’t there before necessarily. Maybe it was, maybe it always has been, but for me, lately, it’s been dim. Maybe even completely eclipsed by that which I put in front of it. That which I held on to so dearly and for no good reason either, that I can see. My focus had become about others, about something else completely and had lifted entirely from myself. I lost me. I had let me go, drowning in storms that were not my own, taking on water that I had no business taking on, drowning me in a deep sea of darkness.

With no light.

There is no one to blame but myself. I see that now. I allowed outside forces to dictate and guide me right into stormy waters. I clung to mere shrapnel when I had an entire boat before me, yet, I turned my back. I thought I knew I best. I thought I’d taken control and finally found my way. When all I had actually done was allow myself to get completely lost, vying for what I did not deserve, bathing those who did not deserve and fumbling around in a darkened cave of questions and fear with no answers that made any sense to me what so ever.

With no light.

What is it to love, if you cannot be who you are? What is it to live if you must live in the constant shadow of who those around you think you should be or want you to be? Coming to light, the awesome feeling of grace, knowing that those will love me or they won’t, but it doesn’t matter because I have to be me. I have to take care of the person inside of what has become a tired, depressed, haggard shell. Every person and being on this earth has their issues and, God willing, we manage to be loved, to find our way through the darkness, issues and all. We are bathed in love and acceptance if we choose to surround ourselves with those whom are secure enough in their own selves to allow for imperfections within their human counterparts. Those who are will help guide, not hinder, the growth of those around them. Their light will shine bright in even the darkest storms, drawing the wounded, the broken, the children with issues to them.

And there is light.

We all get lost. We all find ourselves scared, insecure, shivering and weak. Some prey on the lost. Others find and lead them home. Some are wolves in sheep’s clothing hunting for the weak in order to fulfill themselves in ways others cannot even comprehend. You must not lose faith in yourself should you be fooled by one of those wolves. You are not the sad creature, they are. There is light, there is hope and there are those who are not out to hurt you but to help you. Reaching out open arms from darkened corners, offering peace and light and love. The kind of love that comes without strings, without demands, without conditions.

un·con·di·tion·al (ŭn’kən-dĭsh’ə-nəl)

adj. Without conditions or limitations; absolute

There have been many in my long years earthbound whom have preached, promised and pitched line after line professing unconditional love. The whole while placing conditions and limitations on that very love.  Using it as a weapon for their various self gains. There is only one whom can give true unconditional love.

He is the light. And I want to go home.

Psalm 36:9 (New International Version)

9 For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.

I stand now, in this new year, and shed the old clothes of the last. I wipe clean the tears of pain from my stained cheeks and find my wits within. There is a warmth in my soul, bubbling over at the very thought of this new path. I banish that which has held me down. I thrust forth my chin in defiance of all that has clipped my wings and wounded my soul. I am broken. I do not pretend. My road has been long, my path to healing has been hindered, hampered by my own hands. I can see it now. I can see it clear as day.

You’ve got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

You’ve got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

As long as there’s the two of us,
we’ve got the world and all it’s charms.
And when the world is through with us,
we’ve got each other’s arms.

You’ve got to win a little, lose a little,
yes, and always have the blues a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.
-Bette Midler

No matter, today is my little Bean’s debut as the Über talented center for Abingdon’s young girl’s basketball team! Yes, my friends, her first game of the season is today. First and second, mind you. Two games in a row she gets to star in. I am so excited to watch her! Of course mom is going to have her camera. Of course mom is going to take an obscene amount of pictures of my girl whoopin’ some ass on the court. Duh.

Let’s just hope there isn’t too much camera shake and that I can depress the shutter quickly enough in between hacks and sputters.

I am so excited for her. I wish you could see the animation in her face and the sparkle in her eye when she talks about her position, what she’s supposed to do, the plays she knows and how excited she is about the games. There is no way that I can properly convey that through text. I sat in awe of her yesterday as she spoke to me about it. She is truly an amazing kid. I do have great kids, I am a lucky, blessed woman. And today, I get to cheer for my little Bean as she struts her stuff. I can’t wait.

Lord, give me the strength just to make it through this day.

I am so proud of my little one!

Blatant disregard for another human couldn’t possibly mean anything else, other than “Fuck You”. Maybe, “Fuck You Running”, depending on the amount of disrespect that came along with the blatant disregard, I suppose. There are always varying levels to anything, but the outcome is always the same.

“Listen to one’s actions, not one’s words” is what I have heard my whole life. No truer words have ever been spoken. Especially when you look around you and the actions of those you see are in blatant disregard of you, or someone else. Their actions are telling, and they are saying “I don’t give a fuck. I am all about me, what I want right now in this moment in time.” It’s everywhere you look. But I guarantee you, if you were to walk up to that person, their words would be sweet as pie, convincing you that they think highly of you, have respect for you and all the pretty things that go along with it. If you were to absorb that, and act on the behaviors you witnessed rather than the words you heard, that person would be beside themselves with horror that you would even think they would do anything like that to you.

And it would become your fault. You are oversensitive. You are being ridiculous, you are the cause to their reaction.  It can go on like that forever.

The fact is, it’s the action of “fuck you” that speaks much louder than any words ever could. It’s the actions that need to be heard, not the words. Words are pretty. Words make you feel good. Words can bury an ache, but what it really comes down to in the end is how you are treated via the actions. That’s what one needs to go on to be successful in life.

It’s been a really eye opening couple of days for me. The knife, buried deep in my back came unexpected, by me at least, and it hurt. The blatant disregard has left a bitter taste in my mouth and my mind roaming and wandering, trying to grasp the true meaning – is it “fuck you”, is it a test, what are my reactions going to be/supposed to be.  Being told “Fuck You” on so many different levels will throw anyone for a loop. Needless to say I am loop-de-looping right now.

I suppose I need to dig my heels into the ground, bear down, grit my teeth and stand like Custer. There is only one way to handle blatant disregard, fuck you, or any other fanciful show of disrespect. Shove it up their ass. Call their bluff and make them eat crow.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.

Here is where my witches brew begins and the tables get turned.

I’m calling their bluff. On all sides.

It’s on like Donkey Kong biatches.