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I have been painfully aware that I have allowed a couple of recent events throw my planet off kilter. The orbit of self assurance, happiness, contentment and energetic joy that I had found myself rotating within – shattered. I cannot exactly blame the events, nor the people involved in those events. Sure, without them there would have been no crash to the ground and the ensuing blackness would not have found me…yet.

No matter who, no matter what, it’s always there at the edges of my world, waiting for the opportunity to sneak it’s ugly way in and create havoc in my life. With these occurrences, I allowed it to do just that. By not taking control of my own emotional state of mind, I turned myself over freely to the darkness and damn near rolled out the red carpet. I opened myself up for the disconnection from the good that I had found and began my saunter into it’s arms, descending farther and farther every day into that void.

I had been doing much better. Truly. Or, so I thought. I suppose the true test of how far you’ve come or not, is experiencing something that has the potential to set you back. Sure, you can sail along and have breezy days as long as there are no challenges and believe with everything in your heart that you are improving, are stronger and totally centered. The true test comes in when there is a challenge that comes along and blows you off your axis causing a complete disconnection. How well do you recover? If at all…

It’s been about 3 weeks since incident #1. It’s been a week since incident #2. I have made several grave mistakes since the onset of disconnection.

1. I pretended that the first incident was no big deal. I faked my way through, put on a brave face and buried the emotions the event brought up. I never dealt with it properly.
2. This allowed the darkness to begin the disconnection virtually undetected. At first.
3. I did not realize the downward spiral when incident #2 occurred, leaving me virtually unprotected.
4. Rather than begin the processes of overcoming, working through and dealing with the emotional upheaval, I turned to another person to ‘save’ me.
5. I fell back into the negative disconnection of feeling helpless, broken and full of deadly fear.

Cycles. Patterns. Habits. All things formed at a very early age; all things I have been working so hard at learning to break in order to move forward in my life and become free of the darkness and disconnection. Yet, so quickly and so easily I fell back into step as if I’d not made a single positive step forward at all.

I lay awake nearly all night last night. I dissected and analyzed every single step into this dissension I have found myself embedded within. I have to own it all. I realize that, while I have no control over the actions of the universe and her peoples within, I do have control over how I react to them. I chose to react in the poorest form possible. In turn, I caused the literal collapse of everything around me. Including relationships that I have been working on building. At this point, I can only pray the foundations were solid enough to withstand this earthquake. I can’t hope that there has been no damage caused, as it’s very obvious there was moderate to severe damage, but I can hope that a rebuilding can occur.

Positive thinking. I have to believe that I can overcome this and continue on my path of self improvement. I have to choose to reconnect and climb out of the darkness, into the light once more, and learn from these experiences in order to take the lessons, apply them correctly and move forward.

It is only when we stop growing, do we become stale.

Tags: azjade, growth, insecurities, learning, life, matters of the heart, pain, personal, self, soul

Yeah, so here I am writing this from my FREAKIN’ Android! Can you believe it? I can’t! 

Yes. I am in love with this pretty phone on it’s pretty little pink case. Not sure I need much else. K. Skoes. A new pair of shoes someday. 

Hot damn I am so easily amused. Ok. She needs a name. I need to think of something soon.

I may or may not even write it on her with rhinestones.

Shaddup.

Tags: android, apps, azjade, blog, love

I love not having to be at work at the butt crack of dawn any more. I love not having to sit, prim and proper, dressed up in uncomfortable clothes, playing pompous in a stuffy office environment forcing things down people throats that they don’t want or nor do they need.

I love not being threatened every single day that I am going to lose my job if I don’t stop treating my customers like people and start treating them like a number for the sake of the ‘company’.

It’s nice to breathe.

And, while in my current position this will sound a little crazy and off kilter, I really am enjoying the part-time gig as well. I have time to actually cook breakfast for my children in the mornings and send them off for their school day on a positive note. I have time to listen to their stories, help with their school works and spend time with them as I haven’t in two years. No, it’s not fabulous on the pocket book, but it’s fabulous for irreplaceable time with my children. I have missed two years that I will never get back because I was too busy giving my time and attention to crooks for pay. A kind of whoring of oneself, in my mind.

I love being at home more. Being able to take care of the house, clean, cook, do laundry, without having to try and cram everything into one day, including the spending time with kids thing. It sure makes for a happier me. It’s not that I am one of those people who just refuses to work long hours out of the home. I am merely one of those people who has a much happier soul when I am at home, tending to my children and my home, not dedicating my life to a company. I know I”m not alone in that, and unfortunately, so many parents cannot just quit the rat race or they’ll starve, lose their homes, etc. It’s the great American travesty.

Maybe it makes me crazy. The fact that less money, no title or notoriety any longer makes me a happier girl. What is a fancy title and office when you’re forced to basically give up your children in honor of the paycheck? What good does it do when your child needs you and you are gone kissing some corporate ass so that you can come home and explain to your child why your job is more important than they are? Means nothing to me. Not a thing.

I’d rather work part time bringing home minimum wage and take my children to church. I’d rather eat top ramen for dinner and be able to sit and talk with my children in the evenings, cook them eggs for breakfast in the morning and be here to see their activities, partake in their lives, and have them know that they are the most important beings in my life.

I am blessed. My children are blessed. Things are good. I am completely content being a part time checker at the local grocery store with the option of being a full time mother in the home.

And it’s only going to get better from here.

Tags: azjade, children, daughter, family, growth, illinois, kids, learning, life, matters of the heart, personal, self, son, soul, work

Like walking off the edge of a very steep cliff and the only thing you can see below you is fog and darkness. No end, no bottom, no light, just eternal oblivion. You know, in the depths of the saner parts of your brain that there is a bottom, and it’s not as bad as your mind is telling you it is. Yet, you struggle to take that first step, the one that is going to plunge you right into that misty darkness below with no going back.

Jump. Just do it. It’s called Faith.

Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.

You don’t have to take Faith as a religious connotation. Faith is merely the belief in something. Belief in yourself, your abilities. Belief that no matter if you can see the end of the road before you or not, that there is an end and it’s not going to be nearly as bad as you imagine. Is anything truly as bad as you imagine, ever? No.

Letting go of the Fear.

That, in it’s self, can sometimes be the biggest hurdle you’re going to have to make it over during your journey. Once you’ve gotten past the Fear, hell, the rest of it should be a cake walk really. Even though I am uncertain of the tomorrows I have heading my way, and what’s going to unfold as I begin to live them, I know that I have to let go of the fear and find the faith I need to do so and pass through knowing that no matter what, I am going to be ok. I have to hold on, with both hands fiercely to the knowledge that I have to live for me and nobody else, first and foremost. If I am not living for me, I cannot be the kind of mother my children deserve and need, nor can I be the kind of friend I should…anything for that matter.

Sound selfish? I suppose so if you’re looking at it in the most negative way.

As I find myself standing on this ledge staring down at the path before me, I am leaning heavily on my Faith and working hard at pushing away the Fear. I don’t know how successful I am going to be, but I am going to give it everything I’ve got. In my case, that means leaning on and walking with my Father and in the light of the Holy Spirit. For you, it may be something completely different. Whatever it is, just never let go, even when things seem hopeless and desperate. The moment you let go, that’s the moment you lose everything.

Take a deep breath…spread your wings, close your eyes……and fly with me.

Tags: azjade, growth, illinois, jaded, learning, life, matters of the heart, monmouth, self, soul, Sunburns